New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
What a dumb baby whore.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
