I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
