So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you inspire me to be a worse person
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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