I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Mom said you looked used
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
