I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
