I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
