Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
