I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
bring money and cleavage
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Bring me that man meat
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
