if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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