wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
