i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
