he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
