why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
