why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
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