NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
