We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
