you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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