i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
