Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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