its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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