Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
