you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
