I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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