So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
