Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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