Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
