i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
