Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
