Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
