Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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