I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
