he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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