I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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