You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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