I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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