I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
