My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
