I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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