Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm always down for nudity.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
