i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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