i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
