i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
