it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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