does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
