nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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