Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
