my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
