Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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