from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
