some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
