I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
