Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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