hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
