I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
